Are you stuck in the drama triangle?

What is the drama triangle?

The Drama Triangle is model of human interaction which maps the different roles people play when faced with conflict. It tends to appear in families or groups where conflict happens regularly. Once established, the drama triangle plays out over and over again often with different people stepping in to take different roles. Some people spend their entire lives in a drama triangle, usually because they benefit from fulfilling an unmet psychological need.

There are three roles in the drama triangle.

The Victim: The victim is not an actual victim, although they feel like they’re a victim. They feel persecuted, unlucky, oppressed and powerless. They’re unable to see that they have played a role in getting themselves into their current situation. By default, it is everyone else’s fault. They didn’t get themselves into this situation, they were put there by someone else. The role of the victim is self-perpetuating because if you don’t take any responsibility for the situation you’re in, how can you take steps to get out of it? It is a damaging mentality and one that is hard to get out of because despite making the person miserable, it’s easier to remain a victim than accept responsibility and take steps to change.

Most likely to say, ‘Why do bad things keep happening to me?’ or ‘Why am I so unlucky…’

The Rescuer: Victims seek out rescuers. Rescuers feel guilty if they don’t help victims so will always step in to offer them support. They listen and usually agree with the victim. This behaviour reinforces the victim’s perspective that they’re unlucky and life is something that is ‘happening to them’ rather than them being in control. Rescuers like rescuing because it takes the spotlight off their problems and allows them to focus their attention on someone else’s needs. They’re unhelpful because they reinforce the narrative of the victim though.

Most likely to say, ‘What’s up hun/mate?’ in response to the victims cry for help/attention.

The Persecutor: The persecutor is the villain in the story. It is always their fault. They’re controlling, critical, authoritative and superior. The victim sees the persecutor as someone who is in a position of power although this isn’t always the case. Again, it’s based on the perception of the victim that counts.

How does it work?

Something happens or someone does something. The victim interprets the behaviour as a form of criticism or attack and create the role of the ‘persecutor’. They then seek a ‘rescuer’, to reinforce their perspective of the world and provide them with support. The rescuer supports the victim with kind words and reinforces their perspective that they’re a victim of the persecutor.

In organisations, the drama triangle often appears during feedback sessions or performance management conversations. Typically, people are given feedback by their managers or people in a position of authority. If the feedback is delivered clumsily, without care and attention, it increases the chances that the individual will see it as some form of attack and the triangle appears… we now have a persecutor and a victim who will seek a rescuer which is usually a peer who will agree with them.

This creates enormous tension within organisations.

Managers feel that their people don’t listen to them and take their feedback seriously which, to be fair, is an essential part of their job. Team members feel hard done by and victimised because someone has told them that they could improve in some way. The exchange is unpleasant and can be confrontational which means that neither party wants to do it again.

The long-term impact is that feedback stops being given as the experience is so unpleasant.

Motivations

The motivations for each role are often unconscious. Victims believe that they lack power and as a consequence are not in control or responsible for the direction their lives take. This is exceptionally damaging because the first step in improving any situation is accepting that your actions have contributed towards putting you in that position. It is not entirely the fault of the persecutor.

The role of rescuer is less obvious. They benefit in some way from being ‘the person who comes to the rescue, the firefighter’. They benefit from getting a boost to their self-esteem because of their status as rescuers. They enjoy being the person that people come to when they need help but at a deeper level they’re getting a pay-off by having a psychological need met. This might subconsciously cause them to recreate or reinforce the drama triangle as they benefit from feeling valued.

Escaping the Drama Triangle

Once you understand this concept, you’ll see it everywhere. People spend their entire lives in drama triangles because they meet psychological needs.

The way you escape the drama triangle is by seeking to understand what people are getting from the conversation. What psychological need is being met? If we understand what people get from the drama triangle, we can interrupt it.

For Example…

The next time someone comes to you complaining about the behaviour of someone else, make a mental note that they’re trying to create a drama triangle. Instead of agreeing with them, ask them some questions that make them stop and think differently about the situation.

Are you sure that person is victimising you? Could your interpretation of the situation be wrong? Could you use something like ‘Hanlon’s Razor’ instead of taking offence at what they’ve said?

These are the sort of questions that make people think differently about a situation. Perhaps you could share the concept of the drama triangle and get them to reflect on which role they see themselves playing? Ask them to consider what needs are being met by creating the drama triangle.

The drama triangle exists in most families to some extent. Typically a parent plays the role of rescuer between two ‘victim/persecutor’ siblings. The healthiest thing they can do is to ask questions to help that individual think differently and stop offering them advice. If there is a noticeable pattern of behaviour, draw their attention to it.

Drama triangles make people miserable but they don’t have to exist.

Learn how to ask good questions, draw people’s attention to the model, call out unhealthy patterns of behaviour. These are some of the ways that we can help prevent people getting stuck in the triangle.